I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Randomize
