Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
