If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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