I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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