My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
