I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
