she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
