i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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