my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
My penis needs a shock collar
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
