I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
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Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
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You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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