your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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