for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
you traded sex for a burrito?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
