Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
