Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
