im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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