I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
