I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
handjob tips. give me some.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
