just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
