why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
