I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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