Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
