threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
