my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
