Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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