This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
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My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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