there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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