Swine flu. Run for my life!
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Randomize
