I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Randomize
