At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
