bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
