This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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