Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
sarcasm needs its own font
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
