I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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