Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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