so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
These 25 Women First Experienced Sexual Harassment At A Shocking Age
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
23 Absolutely Despicable Things That People Have Actually Done
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?