My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.