i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
