All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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