I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
