is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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