My liver just broke up with me...
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
