You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
