She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
It's shark week go big or go home
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
