he told me I talked like a deaf person
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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