Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
