I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
