The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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