Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
