enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
