i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
