He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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