so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
