He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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