i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
