i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
