At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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