god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Someone signed my nipple.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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