He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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