im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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