Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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