OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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