what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Randomize
