So drunk its hurt
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
